happy 4th '08

In the holiday spirit I thought I'd take a lil' break from complaining about stuff. Then I thought again. :)

I don't recall where this came from but I thought it was good enough to save. Here's hoping someday women will understand us men better. (Or maybe they'll just laugh and let us watch baseball.. it is summertime y'know)

If you think you're fat, don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your own oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

What the heck is a doily? Why would we care ?


Continuing the lighter theme for holiday posts, here's another email keeper. Again, I neglected to note where this originated. (My brain takes a lot of unscheduled sick days)

Things I MUST remember as a dog
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.